This is a guest post by Star.

I love the quote by the French Author Jules Renard, “Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.”

When you are in a relationship, it can feel like being on a roller coaster. Sometimes the relationship is up and sometimes down.  This is not a bad thing, as I see it.  Having ups and downs means your relationship is dynamic and not stagnated.

However, many people are just too lazy to work at the relationship and therefore remain in the down position. Yes, it’s true. Laziness is a major factor in bad relationships. Oh, it’s so tiring to work so hard when you think to yourself,  “I am already in this relationship so why do I need to continue working so hard at it?”

Many people tend to take things for granted, especially relationships.  And most of us have some degree of laziness, so it is common and natural to fall back on that and use it as an excuse.

My best advice to you is to find your motivation. For example, if you feel that your relationship is comfortable and going smoothly but you do not have the butterflies in your stomach you used to have and you miss the feeling, your motivation should be to get that excitement back.

So pick yourself up, take a blank page and write down some steps that can help you start. Use the following guidelines to help you overcome your laziness and get your relationship back on track.

• Create a sense of urgency which will push you to act
• Think about what will happen if you don’t do anything
• Look at the benefits if you do
• Decide what the next action is and set a time frame for that action
• Do one thing at a time
• Challenge yourself
• Overcome the laziness

We’ve all seen, heard of, or even used niche dating sites. Niche sites exist for just about anything these days, from specific religions to financial status to lovers of sci-fi.  Niche sites allow daters to automatically weed out people they would not be interested in dating. But is niche dating a good thing? Should we be limiting our pool of potential daters based on financial status, hobbies, age, or race? Can a devoted vegetarian fall in love with a carnivore? Could a golfer not find a great match in someone who doesn’t know what a bogey is? Should we be looking for someone who shares all our hobbies, interests, political views, and religious ideals? If so, maybe Saturday Night Live was on to something with their skit on me-harmony.com.

Most of us realize that finding our perfect match, isn’t about finding someone who is like us in every way. So, why are niche dating sites so popular? Probably because we are most comfortable with what we know. It is much easier to strike up a conversation with a stranger if you know right off the bat that you both love the outdoors. Others may be drawn to niche dating sites to avoid meeting someone like their ex. If you and your ex always fought about the time you spent golfing, you might think you should only look for other golfers to date to avoid that issue in future relationships.

If you do find yourself drawn to niche dating sites, ask yourself why you are drawn to a certain niche? Is it because you are so passionate about something that it would be a deal breaker if your mate didn’t share your viewpoint? Are you running away from an issue in a past relationship? Do you feel you can only get along with someone who shares all your same beliefs?You do want to share the same interests as your partner–just not EVERY interest. And of course, you’ll want to agree on many major issues, though you shouldn’t have to agree on everything. The danger in niche dating is that you are limiting your potential daters based on superficial information. It’s better to get to know someone for who they are, their core values and beliefs, and their personality before you decide whether or not they are a good match for you. Don’t rule someone out just because they don’t like sports and you do.

Be sure you are going to a niche dating site for healthy reasons and don’t
limit your potential dating pool unnecessarily.

This is a guest post by Star.

So many of us are afraid of relationships whether with our current partner or with potential future partner. Why is that such a common phenomena?

There are many reasons why, including: personal painful past experience, stigma, the influence of other people’s stories, laziness (yes! yes! believe it!), emotional intelligence, and fear.

Today, I would like to touch on one of the reasons that cause us to be so afraid of relationship—and it’s called FEAR. Fear is one of the psychological motivating forces in relationship and the cause of constant conflict in personal relationships.

According to some psychologists (including J.B. Watson and P. Ekman), fear is one of the set of basic or instinctive emotions like joy, anger and sadness. All of those emotions play a major part in personal relationships.

Fear is very subjective and is perceived from the viewpoint of the evaluator.

And although fear has many faces, if we break it down a little bit further we find a major reason called “fear of failure”.

Did you notice that many people refer to relationship that ended as a “failed relationship” or to difficult and energy-consuming relationship as “a failing relationship”?

Why do we use this term, and why is it so significant in our present and future relationships?

A person who is only interested in the outcome of an activity would consider it to be an outcome failure if the core issue has not been resolved or a core need is not met.  For example, if you had a great relationship with your boyfriend or your girlfriend but for some reason it did not end up in marriage or any other form of commitment that you would have liked, you would see it as a failure.

But if you think about it honestly and emotionlessly, you will realize that you did not fail in the relationship nor did the relationship did fail.  The outcome was just different than you expected.

A failure can also be a process failure whereby although the relationship had turned out to be successful, a person may still feel dissatisfied if the underlying process is perceived to be below standard or level. So what do you do if you categorize yourself in the latter?

First you need to recognize the symptoms: dissatisfaction, nervousness, looking for petty arguments, restlessness, sadness and even arrogance.  If you feel all of the above or some of it, you may have a problem, and you should start asking yourself many questions (alone or with a help of a coach or a consultant).   Probe harder and deeper until you find the honest inner answers that will help you clarify your feelings.

If you have felt this during past relationships but you never actually got to the root of the feeling, you are bound to think of those relationships as “failed ones”. And you are bound to be influenced by that in your current or future relationships.

From what I see in my practice, the fear to fail prevents so many people from pursuing relationships. Sadly, many people find themselves either alone or with the wrong partners.

So, do you want a simple tip about how to overcome this “fear of failure” that stops you from embracing relationships?

Take a blank page and draw a vertical line in the middle. On the left hand side write successful. On the right hand side write failed.

Think of all the relationships that you had during your life and place them under either the left or right hand side of the page according to your views whether they “failed” or “succeeded”.

Then take another page and reverse it: the ones that you listed before under failed – write them under “succeeded” and the ones that you wrote under succeeded, place under “failed”.

Read this second page carefully and think about it from the opposite point of view. Try to implement what you read in this article about the fear of failure and see if it influenced your decision on how to define those relationships.

After a while take a red pen and cross off all the relationship you marked under “failed” in both pages. Try to think of it as a clean start. A new blank page.

Go on to pursue your next relationship without the fear, and with a big smile on your face.

In the next article, I will talk about the other reasons that cause us to be so afraid of relationship.

After going through a divorce, Annie Earley found herself single again at 51. In her book, What Was I Thinking?! How Not to Date, Earley recalls her experience of being thrust back into the dating scene.  Her comical, and sometimes painful, descriptions of men she met (mostly through online dating sites) leave the reader questioning: What WAS she thinking? But anyone who has dated, online or otherwise, should be able to relate. We’ve all been there. Putting up with inappropriate behavior from someone we’re dating or finding excuses for why we should give our relationship another chance instead of heeding the red flags and getting out sooner. From men wearing leg warmers to ones who tell corny jokes all night, Earley met all types, and she openly shares her experiences with readers.

Earley’s book provides great insight to women considering online dating, new to the online dating scene, or getting frustrated with their lack of success with dating. Readers will not only be entertained by Earley but learn some valuable safety tips and warning signs. Earley’s style of being up front with the men she dates online is a great example of how women should clearly communicate their feelings to the men they are dating. When Earley realizes she doesn’t intend to date a man longer, she calls him and tells him, instead of ignoring his phone calls or trying to send an email explaining the situation. This upfront style should be an example to all daters!

An easy read from start to finish, this book will entertain and teach. Learn from Earley’s mishaps and laugh at her misfortunes.  This book is a great reminder that dating is an adventure—sometimes wonderful, sometimes laughable, and sometimes downright painful. Be sure to read through to the end, including the author bio section to find out how Earley’s dating experience ends.

Purchase this book.

After going through a difficult breakup most people would be willing to try just about anything to stop the pain and get their love back.  If you have done everything you can think of to do and are now wondering, ‘how to get back with ex husband?”, then this article is for you.

There has been a lot of talk recently about the effects of positive thinking and how it can impact your daily life.  Using this process to get back with your boyfriend seems like a logical next step.  But it isn’t the do all, end all you may have heard.  There is more to it than just the thinking part.

To successfully use positive thinking to make the desired changes in your life you have to remember that it takes two steps: picture what you want, and take specific action to make that want a reality.

Just sitting around day dreaming about getting your boyfriend back won’t do it.  But thinking about getting your boyfriend back while you take positive steps to make it happen will be more likely to work.

So what positive steps should you be taking?  Usually this is where most people mess up, they take a lot of action but it’s all the wrong kinds of action.

You don’t want to constantly text, email and call your ex.  That won’t accomplish a thing except perhaps a restraining order.  What you want to do is leave it alone.

I know this sounds wrong, but it’s not.  No one is attracted to a clingy, weepy, desperate person and your ex won’t be either.  You need to take a step back and spend some time working on  you.  Don’t change who you are to get your boyfriend back, but honestly analyze any areas in your life that could use  a little change of attitude.  This is for you not for him.

The beauty of this is that you make yourself into a better person all the while giving him time to miss you and remember why he fell in love with you in the first place.

That way no matter what happens, whether you get back together or not, you will have grown as a person and will have more to offer whomever you find yourself in a relationship with.

Can positive thinking get my boyfriend back?  Yes…sort of.  Just remember that positive thinking is only step 1 in a 2 step method.  Use both steps to have the absolute best chance of accomplishing your goals.

This is a guest post by Beau Riche,  a relationship expert that has secretly helped 6,100 people in 67 countries.  Just break up?  Want to save your relationship?  Get instant relief from break up pain and a proven plan to win back your ex… even if your situation seems impossible! Check out more about the Magic of Making Up.

Divorce.  Yuck! Now that you’ve gone through that hell on earth you may be starting to think that the whole thing was a huge mistake.  If you want to know how to get back with ex-husband this article can help.

If you went to a therapist after your divorce and asked how to get back with your ex one of the first things they would probably do is ask you why you wanted to take him back.

That’s a good question.  If you’ve had time to honestly evaluate your marriage and have come to the conclusion that you ended it too soon without trying hard enough to save it then that’s one thing.

But if you, like so many others, are just now facing the fear and uncertainty of being newly single and are starting to think being in a bad marriage is better than being alone, you really need to find some help to get over the feelings of loneliness and depression before you do something you’ll regret.

If you’re positive that getting back with your ex is the best thing for both of you, here are a few simple steps you can follow:

1) Try to talk to him.  Not yell or nag, but talk.  And listen.  Try to honestly and maturely discuss why the relationship ended.  Examine what misunderstandings took you two so far away from one another.

If the two of you can honestly discuss how you’re feeling, without recriminations, then you might actually see that you’re not that far apart after all.  You have just been coming at it from opposite directions.

2) Take some time to honestly evaluate what part you played in the deterioration of your marriage.  No one is ever completely blameless.  What was your part and are you willing to change whatever behavior it was that contributed to the breakup?

3) Try to find resources that will help the two of you communicate.  So many couples just have a hard time expressing themselves and listening to their partners.  If you can find a way to work around this, you might have a shot at not only getting back with your ex but also of making your marriage what you’d truly like it to be.

Divorce is one of the ugliest and most difficult things we can go through.  If you’ve come to the conclusion that yours was a mistake and you want to know how to get back with your ex husband then following these tips will be a good first step in the right direction.

This is a guest post by Beau Riche,  a relationship expert that has secretly helped 6,100 people in 67 countries.  Just break up?  Want to save your relationship?  Get instant relief from break up pain and a proven plan to win back your ex… even if your situation seems impossible! Check out more about the Magic of Making Up.

It’s a classic and tragic story.  Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy just wants girl back.  It’s so common that you could place an ad in the local paper: “ex girlfriend wanting to get back, please help.”

Even though it happens everyday that doesn’t make it any easier when it’s you that’s going through it. It is still painful and it still sucks.

You don’t need to give up though.  There are a few things you can do that will make things easier, make you a better man and maybe help you get your ex girlfriend back too.

1) Stop calling. The first thing you want to do is cease and desist all calls, texts, emails, etc.  It will be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done but you have to          stop chasing her.  Think about it for a minute.  When someone is chased what do they do?  That’s right, they run.  You don’t want to push her further away from you.  Back off and give her some space.

Remember, no one likes a weak, whiny, insecure person.  That’s just not a turn on. Your ex is no different.  Don’t cling or you will only push her further away.

2) Have fun. I know that this sounds like ridiculous advice, but it’s imporatant.  It kind of relates to step 1.  Go out with friends and try to live everyday to the fullest.  If you can do this you will benefit in a couple of ways.

For one thing she will hear about all the fun you’re having and she will start to miss the fun the two of you used to have.  She will also remember why she fell in love with you in the first place.

It will also help you to keep your mind off of your ex for a little while.  That is a good way to keep from going crazy during this difficult time.

A word of caution though: don’t use this step as a pathetic and childish attempt to make her jealous.  That is very immature and doesn’t work.  If  you really care about your ex and you want her back you should avoid stupid, destructive and childish games. No good relationship can ever be built on those traits.

3) Try to communicate with her. Don’t argue, or badger.  Just talk…and listen.  This isn’t about being right, it’s about trying to truly understand where the other person is coming from.  This is a time to put your ego on hold.

If you feel like you should place an ad in your local paper that says: “ex girlfriend wanting to get back” than you are pretty serious about getting  your ex back.  Follow the simple tips I’ve listed here and you have a much better shot at making that happen.  And you can save money on the ad!

What should you NOT do after a break up? Read the top 10 WORST things you can do after a break up.

This is a guest post by Beau Riche,  a relationship expert that has secretly helped 6,100 people in 67 countries.  Just break up?  Want to save your relationship?  Get instant relief from break up pain and a proven plan to win back your ex… even if your situation seems impossible! Check out more about the Magic of Making Up.

Whether man or woman, there are some definite no-no’s after a break up. If you ever hope get back with your ex or even to maintain a civil relationship with him or her, be sure to avoid these common pitfalls.

1. Deny the break up. So, your girlfriend or boyfriend says, “I think we should break up.” Do NOT reply with, “No. I refuse to break up.”  Denying the break up will not make it any less of a break up. Remember that it takes two to make a relationship work. If your significant other wants a break up, agree to it. (Note: If your girlfriend or boyfriends says, “do you think we should break up?” Answer them honestly. They might be looking to you to offer hope to continue the relationship.)
2. Stalk your ex. Obsessively text messaging, emailing, calling, driving by their house or place of work is the best way to run off an ex. Get a grip of your emotions! Don’t harass an ex. Have a friend that you can call or text whenever you have the urge to contact your ex. And re-direct your energy into something productive (your hobbies, sports, exercise, etc.).
3. Drunk dial. We’ve all probably had an ex drunk dial us at some point. And most likely, we’ve all been guilty of such behavior ourselves. Don’t do it! While there is no crime in going out for a few drinks after a break up, there is EVERYTHING wrong with drunk dialing. Leave your phone at home or give it to a trusted friend if you feel you might be at risk for drunk dialing.
4. Flaunt a new girlfriend or boyfriend. Think making your ex jealous is the key to getting him or her back? Think again! You’re only going to upset your ex and maybe even drive them into the arms of another. If you care about your ex, don’t do things to hurt them.
5. Threaten to hurt yourself. You might feel as if your world is ending and you can’t go on living without your ex. Those emotions are natural. Acting on those emotions by trying to harm yourself or telling you ex you are going to harm yourself is NOT natural or OK. If you feel as if you might act on such emotions, get professional help. Don’t tell your ex. Your ex will see your behavior as a weakness (not a turn on) and might feel guilted into getting back together with you. A relationship built on guilt won’t last. Get some help so that you can cope with your emotions.
6. Send gifts/cards. Don’t load your ex’s house with lavish flower bouquets, stuffed animals, or oversized “I love you” cards. After a break up is not the time to make grand romantic gestures to win back an ex. While your intensions may be good, you could scare off your ex, or worse, make them mad (i.e., “why didn’t he ever send flowers when we were together?”). Save the big romantic gestures for when you get back together or your next relationship (you know, to avoid another break up!).
7. Blame your ex. Don’t tell all your mutual friends all the things your ex did wrong to cause your break up. And don’t yell at your ex when they break up with you about how everything was their fault. Take blame for your own actions or simply plead the fifth when friends ask about the break up. A simple, “it just didn’t work out” should suffice.
8. Blame yourself. Just as you shouldn’t blame your ex for all your relationship issues, you shouldn’t blame yourself for the whole break up either. Don’t obsess over what might be wrong with you and why your ex doesn’t want to be with you anymore. “Am I too fat, too ugly, not talkative enough, too short, etc.?” Your confidence will surely take a dip after a break up. Don’t add to it by beating yourself up. Instead, remind yourself of your good qualities. Vow to learn something from the break up so that you won’t make the same mistake in your next relationship.
9. Retaliate. Revenge is NOT the answer to a break up. No matter how mad you are or how much your ex hurt you, revenge won’t help. Don’t key his car. Don’t put sugar in her gas tank. Don’t break into his email account and send nasty messages to his new girlfriend. Don’t spread rumors about her. These behaviors are immature and destructive. Revenge is toxic to you, your ex, and your future relationships. No one is going to want to date someone who turns psycho when things don’t work out. Remember to keep your emotions in check and find something productive to channel your energy into.
10. Accidently bump into your ex on purpose. Don’t stage a big “accidental” meeting where you look great and act happy just to entice your ex back. Your plan will be obvious and just make you look desperate, which is the opposite of your intension.

Ideally, in the dating world you meet someone, decide that there is mutual interest, agree to date, and it possibly turns into a long lasting relationship.  In reality, meeting someone happens mostly by chance.  You may get lucky and meet someone right away, or it may take many chance meetings.  Whether you meet at a singles event, church, outing at a park, an – ahem – blind date, or you attend hundreds of functions, meeting your match is still random.

Dating online is different in the respect that you ‘pre-screen’ potential partners by placing a personal advertisement for yourself. You ‘advertise’ who you are and what you are seeking by setting up a profile, list some of your interests, background, a few photos, describe who you would like to meet, then browse or search for others that have similar interests. Once you find profiles that match your initial wish list, you communicate, possibly meet, date, and who knows…

The difference with random dating and online dating can be described like this: you attend a singles event with 100 people, you may have to talk with all 100 people and tell them your basic beliefs, hobbies, likes, dislikes, etc., and listen to their ‘stories’ to possibly find compatible matches of which you may find 5, 10 if you are lucky.  Online, your profile can target just those ten people, then you can spend more time finding out more from those ten, rather than going thru the first ninety.

I have personally attended singles events, singles bars, social and business events, and even the grocery store with marginal success (success defined as meeting someone who has common interests, where we mutually agree to go out on a date).  I am sure if I was out there every day, I would meet a lot more people (and spend a lot more money), but for me it isn’t the easy path.  I choose to do the online thing.  When I am online, I may have 2 to ten people that I am conversing with usually by email.  After several emails, we decide if we want to meet or wish each other best of luck in our search.  By going this route, I only spend a few hours a week in online conversations, with people that have similar interests with me, instead of going out to a club and saying “Hey- I am an interesting dude- want to get to know me?”.  The best part, is I don’t have to stand in line and be perceived as another guy with a cheesy line.

Online dating is a type of social networking which allows individuals to meet online and share their stories to develop relationships in a web format designed for such engagements.  OK- that may be a bit technical. Dating sites are a safe way of meeting people without having to ‘chase’ or be chased in the nightlife scene. The internet provides the opportunity to communicate with an unknown person in a relatively safe environment. When you find a compatible person, you may decide to meet, and possibly date, thus eliminating the randomness and risk of normal dating.

There are many dating sites, tons of hip magazines offering dating tips, dating coaches and general ‘how-to’ dating blogs all blasting messages  about how easy it is, and how your soul mate is just a few clicks away. The typical ‘newbie’ online dater will either click on one of the dating ads on some website, go to a site they saw advertised on TV, radio or magazine, are referred to a site by a friend, or they use a search engine to find a site they heard about.  Initially, this may be a good plan, but it pays to do a little research before you jump right in.

There are various types of sites, free and by subscription.  Some allow you to browse before you subscribe, while others wave a carrot in front of you by offering a trial period and some fancy guarantee.

While the offers may seem good, my personal recommendation is that you only use the sites that allow you to at least browse, so that you can find if there are enough members in the site to make it worth your while.

For example, I saw an ad once that said there were some 1200 people in my area that are single and looking.  The ad showed a little credibility by not only listing the zip code I live in, but also used my first name.

I was curious, and fell for the ad.  It took me to a site, asked me to create a basic profile, which I could finish completing later, and then let me do a basic search.  Upon searching, it truly showed that there was1200 people in my area, but after looking closer, the age bracket was from 18-90.  I refined the search, and discovered that there was only 60 or so within 4 +/- years of my age.  Of these 60, 3 profiles had been active in the past week, another 5 in the past month, and the rest not active in over 3 months.  But they were happy to take my 19 bucks-a-month subscription, and allow me to contact the members.

It wasn’t until I went thru this with another ad- targeting my zip code and using my first name, which I discovered that both sites (that supposedly had offices in different parts of the US) had basically the same profiles and results.

Hmmm.  Not only was I a little miffed at the targeted ad, being a web programmer I wanted to know how they found out my zip and first name.  I discovered they use a backdoor trick to search for cookies on my computer left from legitimate dating sites.  I also discovered that they literally ‘borrow’ profiles from other sites to populate theirs, to make it look like they have many members.

I will get into the cookie thing in another post, and how you can protect yourself from mischievous dating cookie mongers.  I also don’t want to scare you from trying the dating sites.  The success outweighs the scams.

In the next few blogs, I will reveal the top dating sites that you should use if you are serious about online dating, how to set up a profile that rocks and actually gets quality responses, what other social media sites you should use and what you should put in your profile. I will also cover a few key issues about dating safety and how to avoid the losers.  If you have any questions, please leave them in the comment section, and I will be happy to answer.

Until next time, Good Dating!

Duncan

As women, and well, humans really, we love to be complimented. If we just got a new haircut, bought a new outfit, or dropped a few pounds, there is nothing better than someone else noticing and complimenting us. So, why is it that we can be so bad at accepting compliments? And why are women much worse at this skill than men? While I’m not sure of the root cause of the issue, I am sure that it begins at an early age. This video shot by teenagers may be goofy but their point rings true.

Even teenage boys are annoyed by girls not being able to accept a compliment well. Just think of how bothered adult men are that women STILL have not learned this art. In fact, women even have a hard time accepting a compliment from other women.  The woman in this video even admits that though she knows the best way to accept a compliment, she finds it hard to do.

So, what do you say when someone compliments you? Let’s look at the different responses from this video.

The first response is full of conceit and puffery. If you respond to a compliment with, “oh I know! I DO look fabulous tonight, don’t I?” Well, obviously, you’ll come off as full of yourself. And while having confidence is a great attribute, and especially good to exude on a date, being self-absorbed is not.

In the second response, the complimentee feels compelled to return a compliment right away. Oftentimes, this leaves you, as with the woman in the video, frantically searching for something nice to say back. This method not only looks fake but can find you saying some very awkward, if not offensive response. So, just don’t do it! Your complimenter did not say something nice to you simply to get a nice response back (or at least we really hope not). So, don’t contrive some lame compliment back just to return the favor. If you truly want to compliment your date, do so later in the night. Make sure your date knows your compliment is genuine and not made out of obligation to pay a compliment back.

If a date tells you how great you look, do you go into a diatribe about how you weren’t sure the dress was flattering (“Really? Doesn’t it make my butt look big?”) and your hair didn’t do what you wanted it to (“My hair is so flat today though.”). As the third response in the video depicts, no one wants to hear all the reasons why they are wrong to have liked such and such. Men especially, aren’t looking for a list of excuses for why complimenting you wasn’t a good thing. They have put themselves out there by offering a compliment. Don’t contradict them. Tell them how much you appreciate their kind gesture. Save the diatribe on why your date is crazy for complimenting your dress or hair or whatever for when you recount your date to friends.  Such responses do not make you look modest or humble. They do make you seem insecure and lacking confidence. You want to be comfortable with yourself and allow your date to see that you are.

Hopefully, or at least from now on, you’ll graciously say, “thank you so much” and nothing more. Just remember that a compliment needs only one response: Thank you.