Is your relationship a rollercoaster?

A good friend of mine, Charlotte, recently decided to break up with her boyfriend of almost one year, well sort of. Charlotte met Stan through a coworker. And while Stan wasn’t on paper her “ideal” match, there was a connection. They soon entered into a committed relationship. While the beginning was full of butterflies in her stomach and excitement when she saw him, she soon realized something wasn’t quite right. Stan started showing up late for their dates and sometimes cancelling them altogether, even at the last minute. When she started feeling neglected by his actions, she began wondering if he really wanted to be in a relationship with her or not. When she confronted him with her concerns, he would say things about how busy he was or how he had all these other commitments in his life (i.e., work, caring for his elderly mother, taking care of his house, etc.). While these were legitimate responsibilities, Stan was not making his relationship with Charlotte a priority. She was always the one to get pushed aside if other commitments became overwhelming.

Eventually, Charlotte would tire of being pushed aside. Once she became angry with his behavior, she would stop returning his phone calls or would push him to break up with her. Either option resulted in a break up …

but only for a short time. A few weeks, maybe a month or two, would pass and one of them would reach out to the other. Both would apologize and say that they missed each other, although the issues regarding the break up would never truly be addressed. But they would get back together and all would be great … at first. It didn’t take long for the old issues to resurface and another break up occur.

Charlotte broke off the relationship more than once, each time saying that was it, they weren’t getting back together this time around. And then he would contact her and be sweet and caring and want to try to work things out. Each time she took him back the same patterns emerged. And soon enough she found herself in a yo-yo relationship—a rollercoaster dating life. She would be on Cloud 9 for a few weeks and then down in the dumps once things turned bad again. She would be angry with him and then would take blame for things and excuse his behavior.

And while she broke up with him “for good this time,”

she is still dealing with the emotional recoil of riding the relationship rollercoaster. He’s still contacting her. Yesterday would have been their “one-year anniversary” but that’s only if you don’t count the periods they didn’t speak for weeks at a time. That doesn’t add up to a year in my books! She is staying strong and still positive that she made the right choice in ending her yo-yo relationship. He, on the other hand, seems to think they are still “together,” just taking another break as they so often did. Hopefully, he soon will realize that Charlotte is not going along for that ride anymore and he’ll move on to another relationship … hopefully with more stability.

On again off again relationships,

or yo-yo relationships, can take an emotional toll on both parties involved. Many men and women get “stuck” in these cyclic relationships, wondering if this time they will really stay together. Unfortunately, the odds are greatly against a yo-yo relationship ever making it long term.

If you find yourself in a situation similar to Charlotte’s, ask yourself what it is that is keeping you from making the separation permanent. Also ask yourself why you are breaking up in the first place. Has the reason for the initial break up ever been solved completely? Are you breaking up for the same underlying cause each time? Remember that these relationships are unhealthy emotionally for you and your partner. Sometimes you have to be the “mean guy” and end a relationship that you know is not working and not healthy, even if the other person disagrees.

Being in a relationship will require work, but it shouldn’t make you an emotional wreck. Your partner should make you smile when the world has you down. He or she should be your soft place to land. Your partner should NOT be the person in your life causing you the most distress and heartache (even if he or she SOMETIMES makes you feel great).

If you aren’t sure if you are living a rollercoaster relationship, ask your friends and family members. Friends and family can offer an insight into your relationship that you might not be able to see. Many times we are too emotionally tied to our own relationships to see them clearly. This issue is common enough that many forums exist for people in yo-yo relationships. Plenty of Fish, a free online dating Web site, offers a forum especially for those in yo-yo relationships.

And if you discover this pattern in your own dating life, get out of it! Don’t beat yourself up over getting wrapped up in one—I think this scenario has happened to all of us at one point or another. And move on. Seek out new friends and new dates and resist all temptation to contact or respond to your yo-yo ex-relationship. (Maybe you can check out the “fish” on Plenty of Fish after seeking advice on Plenty of Fish’s Yo-Yo Relationship Forum. It’s free after all!)