This is a guest post by Star.

So many of us are afraid of relationships whether with our current partner or with potential future partner. Why is that such a common phenomena?

There are many reasons why, including: personal painful past experience, stigma, the influence of other people’s stories, laziness (yes! yes! believe it!), emotional intelligence, and fear.

Today, I would like to touch on one of the reasons that cause us to be so afraid of relationship—and it’s called FEAR. Fear is one of the psychological motivating forces in relationship and the cause of constant conflict in personal relationships.

According to some psychologists (including J.B. Watson and P. Ekman), fear is one of the set of basic or instinctive emotions like joy, anger and sadness. All of those emotions play a major part in personal relationships.

Fear is very subjective and is perceived from the viewpoint of the evaluator.

And although fear has many faces, if we break it down a little bit further we find a major reason called “fear of failure”.

Did you notice that many people refer to relationship that ended as a “failed relationship” or to difficult and energy-consuming relationship as “a failing relationship”?

Why do we use this term, and why is it so significant in our present and future relationships?

A person who is only interested in the outcome of an activity would consider it to be an outcome failure if the core issue has not been resolved or a core need is not met.  For example, if you had a great relationship with your boyfriend or your girlfriend but for some reason it did not end up in marriage or any other form of commitment that you would have liked, you would see it as a failure.

But if you think about it honestly and emotionlessly, you will realize that you did not fail in the relationship nor did the relationship did fail.  The outcome was just different than you expected.

A failure can also be a process failure whereby although the relationship had turned out to be successful, a person may still feel dissatisfied if the underlying process is perceived to be below standard or level. So what do you do if you categorize yourself in the latter?

First you need to recognize the symptoms: dissatisfaction, nervousness, looking for petty arguments, restlessness, sadness and even arrogance.  If you feel all of the above or some of it, you may have a problem, and you should start asking yourself many questions (alone or with a help of a coach or a consultant).   Probe harder and deeper until you find the honest inner answers that will help you clarify your feelings.

If you have felt this during past relationships but you never actually got to the root of the feeling, you are bound to think of those relationships as “failed ones”. And you are bound to be influenced by that in your current or future relationships.

From what I see in my practice, the fear to fail prevents so many people from pursuing relationships. Sadly, many people find themselves either alone or with the wrong partners.

So, do you want a simple tip about how to overcome this “fear of failure” that stops you from embracing relationships?

Take a blank page and draw a vertical line in the middle. On the left hand side write successful. On the right hand side write failed.

Think of all the relationships that you had during your life and place them under either the left or right hand side of the page according to your views whether they “failed” or “succeeded”.

Then take another page and reverse it: the ones that you listed before under failed – write them under “succeeded” and the ones that you wrote under succeeded, place under “failed”.

Read this second page carefully and think about it from the opposite point of view. Try to implement what you read in this article about the fear of failure and see if it influenced your decision on how to define those relationships.

After a while take a red pen and cross off all the relationship you marked under “failed” in both pages. Try to think of it as a clean start. A new blank page.

Go on to pursue your next relationship without the fear, and with a big smile on your face.

In the next article, I will talk about the other reasons that cause us to be so afraid of relationship.

This is a guest post by Faylee James. This article originally appeared at resingles.blogspot.com.

Has anyone told you, you were to old for love or wanting someone in your life? I have and it came from someone I loved very much. Did I listen to them? Sad to say, yes, I did. I was already “middle aged” when I got the courage to end my marriage. One of the main reasons I wanted to end the marriage was my loneliness. I knew I deserved better and I wanted to feel alive again. BUT, even with that I was open to letting someone else tell me I had waited to long. Life had passed me by.

It took another two years and a new friend to let me know it was okay, in fact, right in every way, to want the love I was craving. My age wasn’t the problem, my letting someone else decide what was right for me was.

I started my search by learning about myself and what or whom I wanted in my life. I found out the loneliness I was feeling wasn’t so much for another person as it was for finding the person I wanted to be.

Once I became the best me, the rest would come too. I went back to school, taking classes on becoming a Life Coach.  I ended my old career in public relations, something I hadn’t liked for years but was still doing out of habit. I begin to write, not just for me but for you.  I begin to speak to other late bloomers, encouraging them to try new things and reach for their desires. I began coaching, what I call reSingles—people who, like me, became single later in life and had forgotten how to date or have relationships with the opposite sex.

A new life for me began after 50. Not that I would change having my beautiful children because they are my light. The light that keeps me going to be the best me I can be. My regret is not being this person when I had more influence in their lives.

Never, never, never let someone tell you, you are too old to start something new in your life. Whether it be finding love, writing a book or roller skating across America. Okay, maybe the roller skating might be taking it a bit far. But decisions for your life should come from you. After all, you are the one that has the right answers to all your questions, just reach up and grab them. Then enjoy and make it happen.

Are you serial dating? Have you been caught in the trap of serial dating unknowingly? And what the heck is serial dating anyway? It seems these days there are more questions than answers when it comes to the dating world. The term serial dating did not even exist years ago when most of us first began dating. But today, serial dating is a common phenomena, if not epidemic! (Google serial dating, you’ll get over 20 million results!)

But what IS it? Serial dating describes the act of dating numerous people (sometimes concurrently, but not necessarily) and then quickly moving on to dating someone else (or another “set” of people). Both men and women employ such behavior these days. And while there is nothing wrong with dating multiple people, serial dating is characterized as commitment phobics masquerading as someone who just hasn’t found the “right one” yet. But serial dating is different because the goal is NOT to find the “right one.” What makes serial dating an issue is an inability commit to just one person. Someone caught in serial dating will date you as long as things don’t get serious and will keep you at arm’s length. Sound familiar? You might have dated someone like this without even knowing it. Or maybe you are suddenly realizing you have been serial dating!

Whether you have been caught by someone else’s serial dating habits or realize you have one of your own, there is help. To avoid future serial dating, make your own intentions known early in the relationship. While I don’t suggest rushing into a committed relationship too soon, or planning your wedding on a second date, you should be clear about your ultimate goal in dating. Do you hope to marry? Are you looking for a deep committed long-term relationship, but not worried about being officially married? Make your ultimate goal known to your date (without seeming desperate) and ensure their goals are the same. And be sure their ACTIONS are backing up their words!

If you happen to be serial dating, remember the feelings of your dates. Make your intentions clear as well. Tell your date if you just aren’t ready for a committed relationship. Or simply stop dating until you are ready. Consider your motives for dating. Are you just looking for someone to spend Friday nights with but don’t want to be “inconvenienced” by a relationship? If so, make friends with people so your Friday nights will be booked but take dating out of the picture. Don’t continue to masquerade as a someone looking for THE one if you are just interested in serial dating.

Is your relationship a rollercoaster?

A good friend of mine, Charlotte, recently decided to break up with her boyfriend of almost one year, well sort of. Charlotte met Stan through a coworker. And while Stan wasn’t on paper her “ideal” match, there was a connection. They soon entered into a committed relationship. While the beginning was full of butterflies in her stomach and excitement when she saw him, she soon realized something wasn’t quite right. Stan started showing up late for their dates and sometimes cancelling them altogether, even at the last minute. When she started feeling neglected by his actions, she began wondering if he really wanted to be in a relationship with her or not. When she confronted him with her concerns, he would say things about how busy he was or how he had all these other commitments in his life (i.e., work, caring for his elderly mother, taking care of his house, etc.). While these were legitimate responsibilities, Stan was not making his relationship with Charlotte a priority. She was always the one to get pushed aside if other commitments became overwhelming.

Eventually, Charlotte would tire of being pushed aside. Once she became angry with his behavior, she would stop returning his phone calls or would push him to break up with her. Either option resulted in a break up …

but only for a short time. A few weeks, maybe a month or two, would pass and one of them would reach out to the other. Both would apologize and say that they missed each other, although the issues regarding the break up would never truly be addressed. But they would get back together and all would be great … at first. It didn’t take long for the old issues to resurface and another break up occur.

Charlotte broke off the relationship more than once, each time saying that was it, they weren’t getting back together this time around. And then he would contact her and be sweet and caring and want to try to work things out. Each time she took him back the same patterns emerged. And soon enough she found herself in a yo-yo relationship—a rollercoaster dating life. She would be on Cloud 9 for a few weeks and then down in the dumps once things turned bad again. She would be angry with him and then would take blame for things and excuse his behavior.

And while she broke up with him “for good this time,”

she is still dealing with the emotional recoil of riding the relationship rollercoaster. He’s still contacting her. Yesterday would have been their “one-year anniversary” but that’s only if you don’t count the periods they didn’t speak for weeks at a time. That doesn’t add up to a year in my books! She is staying strong and still positive that she made the right choice in ending her yo-yo relationship. He, on the other hand, seems to think they are still “together,” just taking another break as they so often did. Hopefully, he soon will realize that Charlotte is not going along for that ride anymore and he’ll move on to another relationship … hopefully with more stability.

On again off again relationships,

or yo-yo relationships, can take an emotional toll on both parties involved. Many men and women get “stuck” in these cyclic relationships, wondering if this time they will really stay together. Unfortunately, the odds are greatly against a yo-yo relationship ever making it long term.

If you find yourself in a situation similar to Charlotte’s, ask yourself what it is that is keeping you from making the separation permanent. Also ask yourself why you are breaking up in the first place. Has the reason for the initial break up ever been solved completely? Are you breaking up for the same underlying cause each time? Remember that these relationships are unhealthy emotionally for you and your partner. Sometimes you have to be the “mean guy” and end a relationship that you know is not working and not healthy, even if the other person disagrees.

Being in a relationship will require work, but it shouldn’t make you an emotional wreck. Your partner should make you smile when the world has you down. He or she should be your soft place to land. Your partner should NOT be the person in your life causing you the most distress and heartache (even if he or she SOMETIMES makes you feel great).

If you aren’t sure if you are living a rollercoaster relationship, ask your friends and family members. Friends and family can offer an insight into your relationship that you might not be able to see. Many times we are too emotionally tied to our own relationships to see them clearly. This issue is common enough that many forums exist for people in yo-yo relationships. Plenty of Fish, a free online dating Web site, offers a forum especially for those in yo-yo relationships.

And if you discover this pattern in your own dating life, get out of it! Don’t beat yourself up over getting wrapped up in one—I think this scenario has happened to all of us at one point or another. And move on. Seek out new friends and new dates and resist all temptation to contact or respond to your yo-yo ex-relationship. (Maybe you can check out the “fish” on Plenty of Fish after seeking advice on Plenty of Fish’s Yo-Yo Relationship Forum. It’s free after all!)