A lot goes on behind the scenes in the minds of men and women during a first date or first encounter. Both are rating the other while simultaneously hoping the other is rating them high. But are men and women evaluating the other on similar grounds? For the most part, the answer is no. Check out this video as one example of how men and women view first dates differently.

While this video is comical and depicts some stereotypes of how men and women think, it does bring to light an important point. Men and women are not looking for the same thing when they first meet a potential date. Most women look at a man’s long term potential. While not all women will think, is this a guy I would marry, they might be thinking, is this a guy I could have a long meaningful relationship with (or in this situation, can I stand this man for more than 15 minutes).

Men, on the other hand, don’t often think in such long terms on a first date or first meeting. (I know, I’m making generalizations here. Not all men or women think alike.) Many men look at a first date and evaluate their level of attraction for their date while trying to judge their date’s level of attraction for them. This doesn’t mean that men are only interested in sex or in a physical relationship. It simply means that men and women judge each other differently on a FIRST meeting or first date. Many men have said they would not pursue a long term relationship with a women that slept with him on a first date. So, though he may THINK about sex right away and even WANT it, he is looking for a deeper connection and will respect a women who waits more than one who jumps into bed with him right away.

On your next date, keep in mind that you and your date might not be evaluating the situation on the same lines. And take a lesson from this video by not jumping to a judgement too quickly. Be open minded to your date … and for more than 5 to 15 minutes!

So, what are you thinking on a first date? Leave a comment about what you are thinking about on a first date. Do you agree with the video?

This is a guest post by Faylee James. This article originally appeared at resingles.blogspot.com.

Has anyone told you, you were to old for love or wanting someone in your life? I have and it came from someone I loved very much. Did I listen to them? Sad to say, yes, I did. I was already “middle aged” when I got the courage to end my marriage. One of the main reasons I wanted to end the marriage was my loneliness. I knew I deserved better and I wanted to feel alive again. BUT, even with that I was open to letting someone else tell me I had waited to long. Life had passed me by.

It took another two years and a new friend to let me know it was okay, in fact, right in every way, to want the love I was craving. My age wasn’t the problem, my letting someone else decide what was right for me was.

I started my search by learning about myself and what or whom I wanted in my life. I found out the loneliness I was feeling wasn’t so much for another person as it was for finding the person I wanted to be.

Once I became the best me, the rest would come too. I went back to school, taking classes on becoming a Life Coach.  I ended my old career in public relations, something I hadn’t liked for years but was still doing out of habit. I begin to write, not just for me but for you.  I begin to speak to other late bloomers, encouraging them to try new things and reach for their desires. I began coaching, what I call reSingles—people who, like me, became single later in life and had forgotten how to date or have relationships with the opposite sex.

A new life for me began after 50. Not that I would change having my beautiful children because they are my light. The light that keeps me going to be the best me I can be. My regret is not being this person when I had more influence in their lives.

Never, never, never let someone tell you, you are too old to start something new in your life. Whether it be finding love, writing a book or roller skating across America. Okay, maybe the roller skating might be taking it a bit far. But decisions for your life should come from you. After all, you are the one that has the right answers to all your questions, just reach up and grab them. Then enjoy and make it happen.

While writing my latest book on dating after 40, I realized that many first dates are doomed before they even start. This is not because the couple is mismatched or there is anything wrong with the individuals themselves. Many times, dates are doomed because the couple chooses the wrong location for the first date. Just as it is true is business, the location can make or break you. To help couples combat this problem, I have created these two lists of the Top 5 BEST places for a first date and the Top 5 WORST places for a first date.

Top 5 BEST First Date Locations

1.     Hotel Lounge: I’m not suggesting by any means that you choose a hotel lounge so that you can take your date upstairs later. That’s a definite no-no! I am suggesting a nice hotel lounge where you can share drinks (i.e., coffee or cocktails), chat in a quiet place, and be in a very public place with people coming and going constantly.

2.     Quiet/Small Café: Going out for coffee is a great first date experience. The problem is that many coffee shops are loud and you end up shouting to your date all night. So pick a place where you can enjoy coffee is a smaller/quieter atmosphere.

3.     Mini-Golf: While this might seem too young or high school-ish to you, mini-golf is a great first date. You and your date will be able to interact with each other and get to know how you both handle activities. You will be distracted by the game and less likely to be nervous and you will learn so much more about your date doing an activity like this rather than just talking.

4.     Ice Cream Parlor: This location lends itself better to summertime first dates, but can be a great spot year round. Grab some ice cream and chat with your date, just try to find a quiet spot or sit outside in nice weather.

5.     Be Active: When picking a first date location, be creative and be active. Consider activities that will distract you from quizzing each other all night allow you both to have fun and see if you are compatible. Hit a rock climbing gym, a batting cage or a go-cart place.

Top 5 WORST First Date Locations

1.    Movies: This might be the traditional date spot or what you have always done on first dates, but the movies is by far the worst place you can take a first date.  In a movie, you are sitting in the dark next to a person you hardly know. You both are focused on the movie but have no interaction with each other. First dates are a time to get to know your date and find out if you are compatible. Steer clear of the movies on first dates. Save this date night for later on in the relationship.

2.    Starbucks or Large Coffee Shops: While getting coffee is a great first date idea, you don’t want to be stuck in a noisy coffee shop and forced to shout at your date all night.

3.    Fine Dining Restaurant: Actually, any restaurant is a bad idea on a first date. Stick to more casual and shorter first dates. IF the date is going well, then you can ask if your date would like to get dinner. Don’t commit to a whole meal before you even get out on the date. If you find out right away that you two aren’t compatible, you’ll be stuck suffering through a whole meal.

4.    Stroll in the Park: While the idea of a stroll in the park is romantic, it does not make a good FIRST date. Parks are not always well populated, which can make this date idea a dangerous one. You also don’t want to get sweaty on a first date so going for a walk, especially in warm weather, could be a messy proposition.

5.    Bar: I don’t advocate meeting potential dates at bars or taking first dates to bars. Bars are too loud and create an atmosphere where drinking too much is just too easy to do. You never want to drink too much on a first date (some even argue you should not drink at all). Instead, you need to concentrate on getting to know your date.

FIRST DATES

Can cause even the most confident man or woman to launch into a panic attack or become a nervous mess. And after sharing some worst first date storieswith my co-workers at lunch the other day, it’s no wonder. Going around the table, there was no shortage of funny, awful, and painful (literally) first date stories. Here are a just a few.

One co-worker shared a story about a friend of hers. Her friend was into modeling and often spent her summers in Miami. After meeting a handsome Italian man one day, she was thrilled when he asked her on a date. He said he knew a cute little place and pronounced the name of it sexily in his thick accent. She graciously accepted. Expecting to go out to one of Miami’s finest eateries, she dolled herself up in a nice evening dress, hair done up just right and killer accessories. Her Italian date showed up right on time. He proceeded to escort her to the cute little restaurant he told her about … Subway. She was mortified to have dressed up for a 6 inch sandwich.

Another co-worker recalled her first date with a boy in her high school that she had been crushing after for years. She was so excited about getting asked out by him that she went overboard with her dress as well. She put on her nicest outfit … even though they were going to a football game. Obviously out of place, she regretted her attire choice immediately. But that wasn’t the worst of it. She fell down the bleacher stairs at the game, calling more attention to herself than she ever wanted. The evening ended with her and her date heading back to his place to say hello to his family. But that didn’t go well either. His family was happy to see her. The problem was that their family dog was TOO happy to see her. Ending the date with the dog getting fresh with you, is no one’s ideal ending (except maybe the dog’s).

The last story, sadly, is one of my own. I used to ice skate every week (if not more) when I lived in Ohio. After meeting a cute guy who was a former hockey player (not pro but just friendly backyard games—or so he said), we decided ice skating would be a fitting first date. I was excited to meet someone with a similar interest … until, that is, I saw him on the ice. He looked like he had never stepped foot on the ice before. Instead of gliding on the ice, he was trying to run on it. If he hadn’t been my date, I would have laughed hysterically at his feeble attempt to ice skate. Instead, I hoped no one realized that I was with him. Unfortunately, I was stuck skating next to the spastic skater the whole night … until he fell. Not wanting to be brought down with him, I did my best to maneuver around him. And I almost succeeded. I didn’t fall. And I missed MOST of him. But his pinky figure and my blade met, leaving his finger with a nice-sized gash. Our date ended after he was bandaged up by the rink staff. And that was the last time we saw each other. He didn’t forget me quickly though. My dad ran into him a few months later, and he showed my dad his scar from our first date.

While these dates were bad, there are so many more stories out there about even worse ones. And while it’s nice to look back and laugh at our misery, it’s also good to remind yourself that you haven’t had the WORST first date. While you might have suffered through a few bad ones, I’m sure some of the stories on these Web site will be even worse.

First dates can be downright rotten. Sometimes it’s a wonder we continue to date. And yet, for some reason we do. I guess if we never went out on bad first dates, we wouldn’t know a good one when it happened. So read the stories of others and be thankful that all your first dates weren’t as bad as theirs.

WorstFirstDates.com

This could be the ALL time Worst First Date!

Late for a First Date?

Are you serial dating? Have you been caught in the trap of serial dating unknowingly? And what the heck is serial dating anyway? It seems these days there are more questions than answers when it comes to the dating world. The term serial dating did not even exist years ago when most of us first began dating. But today, serial dating is a common phenomena, if not epidemic! (Google serial dating, you’ll get over 20 million results!)

But what IS it? Serial dating describes the act of dating numerous people (sometimes concurrently, but not necessarily) and then quickly moving on to dating someone else (or another “set” of people). Both men and women employ such behavior these days. And while there is nothing wrong with dating multiple people, serial dating is characterized as commitment phobics masquerading as someone who just hasn’t found the “right one” yet. But serial dating is different because the goal is NOT to find the “right one.” What makes serial dating an issue is an inability commit to just one person. Someone caught in serial dating will date you as long as things don’t get serious and will keep you at arm’s length. Sound familiar? You might have dated someone like this without even knowing it. Or maybe you are suddenly realizing you have been serial dating!

Whether you have been caught by someone else’s serial dating habits or realize you have one of your own, there is help. To avoid future serial dating, make your own intentions known early in the relationship. While I don’t suggest rushing into a committed relationship too soon, or planning your wedding on a second date, you should be clear about your ultimate goal in dating. Do you hope to marry? Are you looking for a deep committed long-term relationship, but not worried about being officially married? Make your ultimate goal known to your date (without seeming desperate) and ensure their goals are the same. And be sure their ACTIONS are backing up their words!

If you happen to be serial dating, remember the feelings of your dates. Make your intentions clear as well. Tell your date if you just aren’t ready for a committed relationship. Or simply stop dating until you are ready. Consider your motives for dating. Are you just looking for someone to spend Friday nights with but don’t want to be “inconvenienced” by a relationship? If so, make friends with people so your Friday nights will be booked but take dating out of the picture. Don’t continue to masquerade as a someone looking for THE one if you are just interested in serial dating.

Is your relationship a rollercoaster?

A good friend of mine, Charlotte, recently decided to break up with her boyfriend of almost one year, well sort of. Charlotte met Stan through a coworker. And while Stan wasn’t on paper her “ideal” match, there was a connection. They soon entered into a committed relationship. While the beginning was full of butterflies in her stomach and excitement when she saw him, she soon realized something wasn’t quite right. Stan started showing up late for their dates and sometimes cancelling them altogether, even at the last minute. When she started feeling neglected by his actions, she began wondering if he really wanted to be in a relationship with her or not. When she confronted him with her concerns, he would say things about how busy he was or how he had all these other commitments in his life (i.e., work, caring for his elderly mother, taking care of his house, etc.). While these were legitimate responsibilities, Stan was not making his relationship with Charlotte a priority. She was always the one to get pushed aside if other commitments became overwhelming.

Eventually, Charlotte would tire of being pushed aside. Once she became angry with his behavior, she would stop returning his phone calls or would push him to break up with her. Either option resulted in a break up …

but only for a short time. A few weeks, maybe a month or two, would pass and one of them would reach out to the other. Both would apologize and say that they missed each other, although the issues regarding the break up would never truly be addressed. But they would get back together and all would be great … at first. It didn’t take long for the old issues to resurface and another break up occur.

Charlotte broke off the relationship more than once, each time saying that was it, they weren’t getting back together this time around. And then he would contact her and be sweet and caring and want to try to work things out. Each time she took him back the same patterns emerged. And soon enough she found herself in a yo-yo relationship—a rollercoaster dating life. She would be on Cloud 9 for a few weeks and then down in the dumps once things turned bad again. She would be angry with him and then would take blame for things and excuse his behavior.

And while she broke up with him “for good this time,”

she is still dealing with the emotional recoil of riding the relationship rollercoaster. He’s still contacting her. Yesterday would have been their “one-year anniversary” but that’s only if you don’t count the periods they didn’t speak for weeks at a time. That doesn’t add up to a year in my books! She is staying strong and still positive that she made the right choice in ending her yo-yo relationship. He, on the other hand, seems to think they are still “together,” just taking another break as they so often did. Hopefully, he soon will realize that Charlotte is not going along for that ride anymore and he’ll move on to another relationship … hopefully with more stability.

On again off again relationships,

or yo-yo relationships, can take an emotional toll on both parties involved. Many men and women get “stuck” in these cyclic relationships, wondering if this time they will really stay together. Unfortunately, the odds are greatly against a yo-yo relationship ever making it long term.

If you find yourself in a situation similar to Charlotte’s, ask yourself what it is that is keeping you from making the separation permanent. Also ask yourself why you are breaking up in the first place. Has the reason for the initial break up ever been solved completely? Are you breaking up for the same underlying cause each time? Remember that these relationships are unhealthy emotionally for you and your partner. Sometimes you have to be the “mean guy” and end a relationship that you know is not working and not healthy, even if the other person disagrees.

Being in a relationship will require work, but it shouldn’t make you an emotional wreck. Your partner should make you smile when the world has you down. He or she should be your soft place to land. Your partner should NOT be the person in your life causing you the most distress and heartache (even if he or she SOMETIMES makes you feel great).

If you aren’t sure if you are living a rollercoaster relationship, ask your friends and family members. Friends and family can offer an insight into your relationship that you might not be able to see. Many times we are too emotionally tied to our own relationships to see them clearly. This issue is common enough that many forums exist for people in yo-yo relationships. Plenty of Fish, a free online dating Web site, offers a forum especially for those in yo-yo relationships.

And if you discover this pattern in your own dating life, get out of it! Don’t beat yourself up over getting wrapped up in one—I think this scenario has happened to all of us at one point or another. And move on. Seek out new friends and new dates and resist all temptation to contact or respond to your yo-yo ex-relationship. (Maybe you can check out the “fish” on Plenty of Fish after seeking advice on Plenty of Fish’s Yo-Yo Relationship Forum. It’s free after all!)